(From Handbook For Humans)
Reinforcement is a very neutral principle; that is, it does not take sides. If it’s applied, it works. It’s up to us to use it wisely. In other words, it works just as well in a “negative” as in a “positive” way.
When we repeatedly give negative or critical attention to certain traits, situations, etc.—when we point out again and again or with great force how wrong or mistaken or bad they are—we’re actually watering those things with our attention, and thus, paradoxically, helping just what we don’t want to strengthen and grow.
Let’s take an example. When I was young, one of the things that became important to my father at one point was turning off the lights when you left a room. And his approach was, whenever I didn’t do it he’d point that out. Makes sense, doesn’t it? You point out what’s wrong to someone, and then it becomes right.
Well, it didn’t work that way. For a while I did try to remember to do it. But I never got any reinforcement when I did it right, even after dozens and dozens of times. However, whenever I forgot—did it wrong—it would be immediately pointed out to me.
The consequence was that I never did learn to do it very well. I would constantly forget. And the reason was that since I was only being reinforced negatively, I lost all motivation to “do it right.” Rapport was lost.
That’s not an isolated example. The same sort of thing can be seen happening in countless homes and workplaces. Continual negative reinforcement brings negative results, and it becomes a vicious circle: When the negative results keep appearing, then even more negative reinforcement is applied, which brings even more negative results, and so on.
Conversely, when we reward positive things then we get more of them. And the primary way we reward something, of course, is with our attention. We literally create our reality with what we repeatedly and continually choose to notice. The plant that gets watered is the one that grows. To really understand this is to save much suffering in our world.
This principle is talked about by Michael LeBoeuf as the Greatest Management Principle, and he puts it this way:
“The things that get rewarded get done.”
He tells the story of a sister in a parochial school who holds up a silver dollar and asks who can name the greatest man who ever lived. A little Jewish boy says, “Jesus was,” and gets the dollar. The sister is somewhat surprised, and later approaches the boy and asks him if he really believed what he said about Jesus. “Of course not, sister,” the little boy replies. “Everybody knows Moses was the greatest. (I love that line.) But business is business.”
If we’re ever puzzled by a behavior that seems illogical or unproductive or ridiculously persistent, in ourselves or in others, in families or business or wherever, we can ask what LeBoeuf calls the magic question:
“What’s being rewarded?”
It is remarkable how asking this question can unravel things that otherwise seem quite mysterious, and more importantly, help us see how to intervene in a positive way.
I’ll tell the following story because it illustrates that, if I can make a little progress in this area, anyone can. They say our pets reflect our personalities, and it’s certainly been true for me. I got my first cat shortly after college, and it soon turned out to be highly neurotic, so much so that I had to give it away. And so did the next one, and the next one. I couldn’t understand why I was getting so many neurotic cats!
Gradually I began to understand that, because of my own shortcomings, I was creating what I saw in these little animals. And as I gradually got a little bit less reactive and robotic and more understanding of my own role in creating things, my cats became less neurotic and more joyful.
My latest cat was a good test. He showed up at my door on Christmas Eve, 1990. He was very hungry, but also very untrusting, and would hiss and spit if you got anywhere near him. Whenever he did that I would ignore him, but when he showed the slightest sign of affection, no matter how minor, I would give him a little snack at once. And most important, I gave him lots of affection.
In a few months Nicky became just a delightful animal, very loving and self-confidant and himself. To put it another way, Nicky turned into the beautiful creature that he really was, that was naturally inside of him. And that’s true of each of us. Our greatest challenge is to release into life the very beautiful creatures that we truly are.
To help in doing that, we can create a kind climate for ourselves. We can recognize and reward our strengths and beauties, and be tender with our shortcomings.
A useful image is to imagine pushing a swing. We wait until the swing comes back to us before we push it again. We ignore the swing when it’s going the other way, against us; we wait until it comes back; then we push it. That is—
We push the swing in the direction it’s already going.
We reinforce the positive and ignore the negative.
How does this apply to people? We apply it by being a right-finder. We notice and reinforce when people are doing things well or effectively, or they’re making progress, or they’re putting out a good effort at something that’s important to them. In doing so, we help others have greater self-esteem. They become more motivated, competent and natural.
We create success, most fundamentally, by noticing it.
We see how it’s already there, perhaps only in a small way right now. Then small successes breed larger ones.
In working with others, sometimes great patience is necessary. Sometimes we have to be mature enough to simply wait until we see a small success of some kind, or a step in a positive direction. Then we reinforce it.
Some of us are in positions of authority over others, such as parents or bosses, and then this principle is even more vital. William Van der Kloot, summarizing a mountain of behavioral research, puts it this way: “It’s better to reward a child for cleaning his plate by giving dessert than it is to spank him for not eating the spinach.”
With our attention, we’re watering the plant that we do want instead of the one that we don’t.
People are starved for positive reinforcement. Most people are never noticed for the hard work they do, for their attempts to better themselves, their attempts to do the right thing or to do a good job. Instead, most people get noticed only when they make a mistake or do something wrong.
We can change that. We can be the person who helps to build people up, who notices their small victories, who makes a big deal out of their successes, who encourages them. Often you may find that you’re the only person in someone’s life who is doing this. And sometimes, especially with young people, we can literally change the course of a person’s life by what we choose to notice.
But isn’t there a legitimate place then for correction, for pointing out what’s wrong? Yes. After all, every teacher has to show his or her students when and how they’re making mistakes. So when do we use correction, and how can we do so in a skillful way?
© 1997 by James Sloman
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