(From Handbook For Humans)
Who has not heard of Jesus’ famous golden rule?
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
Instinctively we recognize its beauty, its power, its elegance. Yet somehow too it seems a bit impractical, more suited perhaps to an extraordinary being like Jesus or to an ideal world somewhere than to the everyday nitty-gritty of this life.
“Okay, so how I’d like so-and-so to treat me is to give me all their money. So does that mean I should give them all my money?” It seems impractical. We honor the golden rule, but we don’t want to give it much thought in our practical affairs because, damnit, we have to live in the real world.
But perhaps our problem with the golden rule is that we don’t really understand it the way that Jesus intended.
Let’s look at it once again, in more modern language this time:
"Treat others as you would like to be treated."
And how would you like to be treated?
If we like chocolate ice cream and Tom likes vanilla, and Tom wants to practice the golden rule towards us, does he give us vanilla ice cream because that’s what he likes? No, he gives us chocolate, because that’s our preference.
In other words he doesn’t say to himself, “How I’d like to be treated is to receive vanilla ice cream, so that’s what I’ll give you.” No, he thinks of us and what we’d like; he gives us chocolate.
What does it mean then:
“—as you would like to be treated”?
It means that the first desire of our heart is simply to be understood and appreciated. And to be treated by others from that understanding and appreciation.
Our greatest psychological need from others is to be appreciated, affirmed, valued, understood. We want to feel that we matter, that we have a worth, that we’re cared about, that we “make sense.” We consider our greatest friends to be those who understand us, who appreciate us, who accept us just as we are.
We want people to empathize with us, to appreciate and understand our beauty and points of view, and if they act towards us to do so based on that empathy. If others are going to practice the golden rule towards us, they’re going to have to appreciate who we really are first.
But that same appreciation is exactly what others want as well. So a translation of the golden rule becomes:
"Treat others based on an appreciation of them."
I almost used “understanding” in that last sentence, but upon reflection it doesn’t seem to go far enough. We can feel that we “understand” someone and yet still not feel benevolent towards them.
This is a little different. It’s about being willing to look into the core of someone and see what’s right about them, what’s beautiful about them, what’s good about them, and respond to that and nurture it and treat them based upon it.
That’s how we would want to be treated if “we” were that “other.” When we can do that for others, our relationships will take care of themselves.
That’s really all this chapter has to say. But let’s break it down into a few details anyway, just for fun.
Before we begin, let’s remember that appreciation and understanding don’t mean agreement. What we really want from others is not for them to agree with us, but simply to look into our heart, to see from our lens for a little while, and above all, to see the beauty that is at the core of each of us.
© 1997 by James Sloman
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