(This is Part 35 of a series. Go back to Part 34.)
Now that we've seen this same phenomenon in a number of dimensions, let's look at it in a very personal one:
How do we achieve a good relationship? How do we repair one that has gone south? How do we get what we want in a relationship?
One way is by putting what we want first and foremost.
In this view, any means is okay so long as we get what we want. Such an approach may involve lying, ignoring, criticizing, threatening, dramatizing, being dictatorial or arbitrary, cutting someone off or whatever.
This sometimes does achieve a certain surface result—we do get what we want. If we're a boss we have the option of simply dictating to our employees. If we're a parent we have the option of not listening to our child and constantly telling them what they're doing wrong (to "help" them).
If we're a co-worker we have the option of working to undercut our other co-workers in order to promote our own career. If we're a lover or spouse we have the option of being self-righteous in an argument. If we're a friend we have the option of being deceptive to get our way.
Of course, there are as many ways to manipulate a given situation as there are hairs on a dog. All these examples and countless others that could be mentioned do appear to work; otherwise they wouldn't be used so often. And that is the primary effect—we appear to get what we want.
But do we really? Underneath the surface—be assured—this is a relationship that is deteriorating. And that is the
secondary effect. Ultimately, that will mean not getting what we really want, because what we really want is the love and caring of a heartful relationship and the immense pleasure of solutions that work for everyone involved.
A very fruitful metaphor that's been looked at elsewhere is the emotional bank account. In every relationship we have an account, sort of like a bank account, with that other person, and it measures how much emotional capital we have with that person.
When we're kind, honest, caring, appreciative and so on with someone, when we really listen to what they have to say, our emotional bank account with that person rises. The relationship becomes lighter, easier, more flowing—and far more effective at achieving joint goals. Mistakes are easily forgiven. Communication happens easily.
On the other hand, when we're deceitful, manipulative, arrogant, critical and so forth, our emotional bank account with that person goes down. This is when relationships lose juice and become critical, "frosty", apathetic and so on. They may even appear to work on the surface, but true love and enthusiasm are absent.
If this process continues long enough, the emotional bank account can even become overdrawn and go into negative numbers. This is when spouses talk through their lawyers; this is when our child becomes sullen and withdrawn and perhaps rebellious; this is when workers go "by the book" and do only what is absolutely necessary.
To work on our relationships at a causal level involves several important factors:
First is to become a right-finder instead of a wrong-finder. Many studies have shown that a diet of critical comments is deadly to any relationship.
Whether looking at teachers and students, husbands and wives, groups of co-workers or whatever, researchers have found that a basic climate of positivity needs to be established. This means that our positive comments must outweight negative ones by at least 3-to-1.
However, this is not meant as a shallow technique. What it really means is that we learn to see with appreciative eyes, to look for what's right and good and strong about each person and vocalize it. As Charles Schwab (founder of U.S. Steel and considered an incredible manager of people) put it, "I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise." As always, we find what we're looking for.
After physical security our greatest need is psychological security, that is, to be accepted and appreciated. When we sincerely look for what is good about others, they really blossom. And here's the funny part: You'll find that your own needs are much better met, even without your asking,
because the emotional bank account has gone way up.
The second way to approach our relationships at a causal level is to be a sincere and empathetic listener. One of the greatest gifts we can give someone is to create a deep and open space where they can express themselves.
Only in this way can we truly come to know someone's concerns and perspectives and thus respond to them from understanding. When people feel heard it creates huge deposits in the emotional bank account. And then there is much more space for us to present our view of things.
If we're making a sales presentation, or trying to repair a damaged relationship, it's helpful to go a step further and, in detail, vocalize the other person's concerns better than they would before presenting our own perspective. This demonstration of understanding is a major deposit.
The third major way to function at the level of cause and increase the emotional bank account is to seek win/win solutions, meaning solutions that work for both people involved. This does not mean being a doormat. Rather, it means being creative and looking for the third alternative.
The third alternative is not their way or our way, but rather, a third way that works for everyone. How do we find it? By having a strong intention to find it. Just that. Again, as Jesus said, we find what we're looking for.
All these are important factors. But the most important of all, the summation of them all, is to approach others with unconditional love, that is, a regard that is not conditional upon people fulfilling our wishes or acting a certain way.
(This is the end of Part 35. Go to Part 36.)
—jim sloman, 10.30.04 for Aug 20
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