Repairing a damaged relationship:
It helps to begin with the notion of the emotional bank account. This is an unseen account that we have with each person, and it measures how we're doing with them.
How do we know what our account is with someone? Think of somebody you know, imagine a scale from 0 to 100 and then ask yourself: Where am I on that scale with that person? You'll find that you do know.
Just like financial bank accounts, emotional bank accounts increase when we make deposits into them—words and acts of appreciation, kindness, generosity, selflessness, etc. On the other hand, withdrawals occur when we're unkind, unfair, abrupt, uncaring and so on.
A damaged relationship is one that has suffered too many withdrawals and not enough deposits, so that the account with that person has fallen too low. When emotional bank accounts get too low, relationships feel brittle, tense, hostile, uncomfortably silent or just drained of life.
The antidote is to begin making deposits and avoiding withdrawals, and to be prepared to do this for quite a while. This means acts of kindness or caring, gifts or appreciations and, most of all, being consistent and genuine. If we're kind one moment and hostile the next, we're not going to make any progress with that person.
There is also a kind of time lag, which can be longer than we think. We're making deposit after deposit and nothing seems to be happening.
Something is happening, but it's underneath the surface at first. We might be tempted to give up and say that it just doesn't work. But if we persevere, the account will rise.
Can we resist someone who genuinely appreciates us?
Not for long. Jesus was right: Love conquers all.
—jim sloman, fall 2000 for Dec 18
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