A friend of mine told me today about feeling unloved, unappreciated and unnoticed by anyone. I recounted the following true story:
In 1984 I took a k-trip, one of many at that time. But this one was different. It immediately turned dark and painful.
In my inner ear I heard this very loud sound that sounded roughly like a buzz saw. With my eyes, open or shut, I saw this very bright series of neon lights. Everything seemed extremely harsh. And the feeling was one of malevolence, evil, total separation from God.
Not only that, but a k-trip was supposed to last only 45 minutes, and this very painful experience had gone on for 2 and-a-half hours already. In fact, it became clear to me that something had altered in my brain and that it was going to go on like this forever.
In fact, it felt like I had gone to hell. I couldn't imagine hell to be any different from what I was experiencing. Not only that, but I was facing the prospect—and gradually the certainty—that the rest of my life would be like this.
I struggled in agonizing pain trying to get away from it or get it to go away, but it wouldn't. In desperation I kept struggling and struggling, but it only got worse. I had arrived in hell, and was destined to stay there for "eternity."
Then I had an opening, a ray of light into my darkness.
Lying there on my bed, I suddenly realized that this was God too. That nothing was left out of God, and that therefore what I was experiencing was also God. And if God wanted to show up like this, then I would appreciate God in this form.
And in that moment I completely surrendered, and broke into tears of love for God in this form too.
And suddenly the evil and malevolence and suffering went away, and I was drowned in surrender and love and gratitude and bliss.
And so I would say: If you're feeling unloved and unappreciated and unnoticed, be willing to be the most unloved and unappreciated and unnoticed person that ever lived on this earth. Surrender to it. If God wants to appear in that form and feeling, love that too.
In the Bhagavad Gita it says, "Peace immediately follows surrender." We can see for ourselves.
—jim sloman, 2/14/01 for Feb 14
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