(This is Part 2 of a series. Go back to Part 1.)
Something else very interesting came out of that study: They found that if the couple never made corrective comments to each other that that was also counter-productive. This would be tantamount to a teacher who never corrected his or her students when something was incorrect.
In other words, if the couple (or the teacher and student or whoever) is taking a "Pollyanna" approach and completely ignoring the negative, that doesn't work either. A positive approach must be grounded in reality.
So the bottom-line is this. A positive context must be created in any relationship. Then, within that positive context, corrective comments can be made and will be taken in a constructive way.
In the realm of teaching, for instance, this means that the teacher must establish a positive context for each student;
it means that the teacher is basically willing to be pleased with who that student is and to be encouraging of his or her work. Then within that positive context the teacher can correct when necessary, while always bearing in mind the 5-to-1 ratio.
Subsequent studies have found that at least a 3-to-1 ratio is needed in work relationships. But whether the ratio is 3-to-1 or 5-to-1, the idea is that an overall positive context must be created for the relationship to succeed. This will hold true whether the relationship is with a co-worker, a child, a partner, a friend, a neighbor or whoever.
Let's take a practical example: A parent is unhappy with her child for some reason. The logical thing to do? She points out what's wrong. But if pointing out what's wrong becomes a steady diet, if this is mostly (or even equally) what the child hears, the parent will notice after awhile that the child has become defensive and withdrawn.
Often, what we do then is to call even more attention to the things that upset us about the child (or the co-worker or the partner or the friend). Thus begins a downward cycle of defensiveness, accusations and withdrawal. We've all been involved in situations like this and it's devastating.
The next time we're in a situation like that, let's try an experiment: Let's try pointing out what's right about that person and what we like and appreciate about them. There is a time lag, but after awhile we'll notice a much different and more positive tone to the relationship.
Now, if we're consistent in our right-finding, we'll find that that person has become much more interested in pleasing us, in making us happy. And within that positive context, we'll find that any corrective comment will be much more readily received.
And we'll notice something else too, and this is the real surprise: We'll notice that we're happier even before the other person begins to respond. The principle is this:
It's impossible to reinforce happiness in others without at the same time reinforcing it in ourselves.
(This is the end of Part 2. Go to Part 3.)
—jim sloman, 8.23.04 for Feb 26
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