(This is Part 5 of a series. Go back to Part 4.)
Step 1 then prepares us for Step 2. In this step we propose sitting down with the other person and having a chat. But we do so within a context that promotes trust, openness and truthfulness.
It's extremely helpful to talk together within certain groundrules that the late Ken Keyes, Jr. advocated and that he called SOS, or Sharing Of Space.
In Sharing Of Space, at any given time there is a Talker and a Listener. The Talker is free is say whatever they want, and the job of the Listener is simply to listen and comprehend.
Moreover, the Listener cannot interrupt the Talker to do the usual defending, justifying, etc. That only leads to an argument, which accomplishes nothing. No, instead the Listener listens without interrupting and when the Talker is through the Listener summarizes what the Talker said, to the Talker's satisfaction.
The Talker might talk for a minute or two and then the Listener summarizes what was said. And the Talker might possibly say something like, "Yes, you got this part but not that part." And so the Listener summarizes again, until the Talker is satisfied that he or she was heard.
Then it's the Listener's turn, and he or she becomes the Talker. Meanwhile the Talker becomes the Listener, and the same ground rules apply. And they alternate back and forth like this.
The beauty of this arrangement is that it prevents things from degenerating into an argument, and instead promotes real sharing and understanding.
Properly done, an SOS almost always leads to a profound
rapprochment with the other. This does not necessarily mean that the two people stay together or stay married. Whether they stay together or separate will be whatever it is, and will take care of itself.
Rather, it simply returns both to profound appreciation of each other—perhaps of life itself—and from there things will go wherever they go. But wherever it goes or doesn't, it will take place in a context of friendship and will tend to feel right.
(This is the end of Part 5. Go to Part 6.)
—jim sloman, 7.22.05
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