A fairy tale that just happens to be true:
Once upon a time I had a neighbor who didn't seem to like me. When I said hello to her she would ignore me. When I came out the door she would ostentatiously keep her back to me. She seemed unhappy.
At first I said hello a few times and watched as she ignored me.
One time I asked her if anything was the matter and she said "No," and then turned around and ignored me again.
Then I thought: Well, if it makes her happy not to say hello, who am I to fight it? Why should I want something to be different than it is?
So I stopped saying hello to her and began to ignore her as well. But it didn't feel right. Something about it just didn't feel right.
And I remembered that the people who act negatively are the ones who need love the most. So then I sometimes said hello to her and sometimes not. But it still didn't feel right. And in my mind I was judging her.
So I sat down one day and asked myself how I could be more heartful in this situation—having learned painfully over the years that the approach through the heart was the only one that really mattered.
And as a side benefit, it usually worked better too—though not always in a way I could see immediately, and though my mind would often disagree and want to strategize or approach through some sort of power thing. But more or less, I had learned.
And what came was to reverse the vicious cycle and ask myself what I appreciated about her. At first, nothing came. Indeed, at first my mind was filled with what are sometimes called secondaries, that is, thoughts directly the opposite of the question I'd posed.
But then it came to me. I remembered that a few days before I'd seen her working in the flower beds between our properties. She would carefully tend the plants and flowers, and had made them quite beautiful. In fact, those flowers added to the whole neighborhood.
As I dwelled on these things, something changed in me and suddenly I became capable of truly appreciating her, and seeing and feeling the pain that she was going through too. In other words, I was seeing her through my heart.
The next time I saw her I said, and meant it, how much I appreciated what she was doing with the flowers and how beautiful they were. And suddenly she was talking to me quite warmly and animatedly—and things went on from there.
The crucial thing to notice here is that I wasn't just saying these things as some sort of technique. What mattered was that my inner feelings had changed about her, so that when I said those things they were authentic.
I relate this story not for itself or to showcase my poor skill, but to open the door to something larger. That something has to do with the principle of where we're coming from when we do whatever we do.
If we're coming from our heart with someone, we can read the yellow pages to them—and they'll get it.
When we can look through the lens of love, everything seems different. In my experience, the world itself seems to change, becoming softer, more "workable," more luminous. People seem to change, though of course we no longer want them to. The world is our mirror.
Suddenly we're aware of that situation or that person in a more human way, one that intuits and understands them or it better, one that becomes more aware of what their needs might be.
Dr. Marshall Roserberg, founder of Non-violent Communication, uses the term "suicidal language" to describe the blaming and judging that usually goes on between parties that are not in harmony.
Or as Byron Katie says, "The mind can justify itself faster than the speed of light."
Dr. Rosenberg once mediated between two tribes in Nigeria where some of the people in the room had had children killed by other people in the very same room. And here's what he said about that experience:
"No matter how big the issue, there will be peace if each party trusts that their needs matter to the other. On the other hand, no matter how small the issue, there will be war if one or both parties believe that the other party does not care about their needs."
Which brings me to the Israelis and the Palestinians.
Here are two proud peoples engaged in a suicidal war with each other, blaming and threatening revenge (and carrying it out) and each loudly calling on the other to "end the violence."
Einstein liked to do thought-experiments. Following in his large footsteps, let's do a tiny one ourselves:
What would happen, I wonder, if one day the Israeli prime misister (or, wording it slightly differently, the Palestinian chairman) got up and said something like the following:
"As we all know, the Israeli people and the Palestinian people are both engaged in a tragic war. We've both been engaged in saying, 'I'm right and you're wrong. You've hurt me, and now I'm going to hurt you back.' And we both feel very justified.
"We both have reason to be justified. We both can point to very violent acts committed by the other side against ourselves. And yet, if we're honest, we both could point to very violent acts committed by our side against the other side.
"And if we look at the underlying needs, we both have justification there too.
"The Jews suffered oppression in various ways for thousands of years. What we wanted above all was a home in Palestine, the place where we forged our historic identity as a people. We wanted a home where we could feel safe and secure at last. And instead we've felt insecure, surrounded by neighbors who have sometimes questioned our very right to exist.
"And on the Palestinian side, they too have been oppressed. To tell the truth, they've been oppressed by us, and by the nations who with the best of intentions helped to found Israel. Their homes have been uprooted, their lands have been taken away. They've led a bitter existence for some five decades now. And we Israelis should totally be able to understand, because we, more than most in this world, know what it feels like to live a bitter existence.
"So, in truth, we both can feel justified in being violent if we want. We both have ample justification for how we feel. We both have many brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, sons and daughters killed and wounded in this war of retribution.
"But if we continue on like this, it can only lead to more of the same. So we have to understand not only our own side and its feelings and needs, but also the other side too and its feelings and needs. We've both been tragically wounded by events; we both are hurting and in pain, the Palestinians no less than the Israelis.
"But our needs and hearts are actually quite similar. We both want a homeland where we can feel safe and secure. We both want a life where we can live in peace and enjoy our daily lives. We both want to raise our children in a climate of harmony and respect.
"And it is only by recognizing these mutual needs that we can forge a lasting peace, and live in harmony among each other.
"In this spirit, then, let us sit down to do the hard, nay almost impossible, work of finding the compromises that will allow both our peoples to live in dignity, harmony and safety. Yet if we both approach each other in a spirit of deep understanding, those compromises are do-able.
"Together, let us try to walk this understanding road for the sake of all our peoples, and for the sake of our hurting but beautiful planet."
—jim sloman 5/27/01 for May 27
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