(This is Part 3 of a 4-part article. Go back to Part 2.)
In Part 1 and Part 2 we've looked at some examples of how our inner and outer realities can be approached using this guideline:
A guide for living: Always look to the larger context.
Now let's take a look at some other examples of how and where it might apply:
One that comes to mind is Jesus' famous Golden Rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. (And variations of this rule can be found in all major religions.)
One cannot reflect on this golden formulation for very long without coming to see its tremendous brilliance. For its tendency is to take us out of our narrow hallway of relentless self-concern into an expanded domain where our self-interest is understood at a deep enough level so as to automatically include the concerns of others.
This larger context is extremely liberating, though it's also easily misunderstood. If I want vanilla ice cream and Betsy wants chocolate, does it mean that I give Betsy vanilla because that's what I want? No, it means that I seek to understand Betsy well enough to know that she desires chocolate, and to give her that flavor.
Nor does it mean that we become a doormat for someone else's desires. Rather, it means that whatever the situation we seek a solution that brings enough light so that both parties' concerns are addressed. The larger context.
A classic example is two people reading by a window in a library. One wants the window open, the other wants it closed. And they're arguing about who's "right."
The librarian comes along and inquires to find out each person's underlying concern. It turns out that person A wants the window open for some fresh air, and person B wants the window closed to avoid a draft. Solution? The librarian opens a window in the next room so that there is fresh air without a draft.
Notice that the solution did not involve figuring out which person was "right," but rather, expanding the context enough to find a solution that addressed both persons' underlying concerns. In personal-growth literature this is sometimes called the third way, that is, a way that reaches out to an alternative, more life-giving solution.
In business philosophy this is sometimes called the win/win paradigm, a paradigm or context where both parties can win. It's in contrast to the win/lose paradigm, where one party wins at the others' expense.
I've been in business long enough now to know that a business deal isn't worth doing unless it's a win/win deal. Both parties have to win. If I'm winning at your expense, or you're winning at mine, it's just not worth it. It creates more problems than it's worth, and moreover, it just doesn't feel right.
How can I want to win at your expense?—at the deepest level, you are me and I am you; we aren't separate. Nor is it satisfactory for you to win at my expense, for that also doesn't respect that both of us are valuable and precious.
I've learned that if a business deal can't be win/win, it's better to walk away from the deal and not do it, because otherwise there will assuredly be problems down the road. Not only that, it just won't feel good in the present.
What does it take to reach a win/win solution? What it usually takes is a strong intention that this is the only kind of solution that will be sought. A solution that is win/win often takes more thought, more insight, more light—a larger context, if you will, that encompasses the concerns of all involved. But the outcome more than justifies this extra effort.
My experience is that if a strong intention is there to find that kind of solution, it will almost always be found. And that is the solution that will feel satisfying, that will lead to the best outcomes, that will feel as if we are standing in the light—as indeed we will be.
The same applies to a marriage or a friendship or any kind of relationship. We can "milk" a relationship to get what we want, disregarding the concerns of our wife, husband, partner, lover, friend or associate, but in the end the relationship won't hold up. Even if the relationship stays together, it will be marked by an increasing chilliness, and we'll wonder how we migrated to such a cold climate.
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" means to enter that larger context where we seek to understand another.
If I'm into baseball and my son is into computers, and I want to improve our relationship, will it work to take him to some great baseball games? Not really. What will work, though, is to take a real interest in what he's into, and perhaps take him to some computer shows or work on a computer project together.
The domain of the larger context is a fascinating realm, because it feels like stepping into a place where there is more light.
If we're in a dark room and stumbling over the furniture, does it work to try to "fight the darkness"? Not really, because darkness isn't the problem; absence of light is the problem. What does work is to turn on a light; then the problem of stumbling over the furniture corrects itself—as a direct effect of greater light.
In whatever situation or circumstance we find ourselves, we can seek to turn on a light by asking ourselves:
What is the larger context here, and how can I apply that larger context to this situation?
(This is the end of Part 3. Go to Part 4.)
—jim sloman, 9/18/02 for 10/31/02
|
