This morning a package arrived in the mail from my sister. She sent me some albums, some vitamins and two beautiful shirts. Why? For nothing, just to be kind.
So I'm putting one of the shirts away (and the other one on), and I notice a beautiful navy shirt sent to me by my mother. Why? For nothing, just to be kind.
Mom is lying in a hospital bed, her mind gone. Evidently, she'll never be really conscious again. And I realized this morning that I'll never be able to repay her for all her kindnesses. It's just not possible.
And I thought of other people who have been so kind to me over the years. People who have lent me money that so far I've been unable to repay, and who have never said anything about it. They probably think I've forgotten. I haven't. People who have put themselves out for me in some way. People who have taught me helpful things. People who have gone out of their way, who have walked the extra mile.
I may or may not be able to repay these kind people who are alive, but there are people who have died that I can never repay.
People like Alfred Kapuler, who helped me in so many ways when I was younger. I can never repay him. People like Carroll Stephenson, who died in a plane crash last year. I can never repay him now. People like my father, who worked so hard for so many years to put food on our table. I never gave it a thought at the time, but I think of it now. I can never repay him.
If we look carefully, we'll see that the universe has showered us with many gifts, gifts of all kinds, many of which we were oblivious to at the time, many of which we may still be oblivious to now unless we look.
Check out all the things which are working in the body, for instance, which we never give a second thought to, but would sorely miss if they stopped working.
Check out something as simple as the green leaves on the trees, or the moon in the sky, or the oxygen in the air. Your friends. Books that have helped you, or teachers that have inspired you. If we look carefully, the list just goes on and on.
There is no way to repay all this. There is no way to repay the people who were kind in some way and are gone. I realized that the only way to do anything about it is to pay it forward.
It's become a trite phrase; there's even a movie of that title I believe. But like so many phrases that have become trite through overuse, it embodies a great truth. So much of what we've been gifted with, we can't pay back; we can only pay forward.
What does that mean exactly? If we stop for a moment and let the realization come in that the universe is one thing, rather than a bunch of separate pieces, we realize that the only thing we can do is to try to put positive, kind, helpful energy into the universe as best we can.
"My religion is simple. My religion is kindness," says the Dalai Lama. He knows. I admire him so much for that. He's doing exactly that—putting as much kindness and clarity into the universe as he possibly can. And he does it with such gentleness and humility, incredible humility. What an evolved and beautiful spirit.
Look at Pema Chodron. Some people who hold themselves forth as masters speak about how important they are to the scheme of things. Not Pema. She's not interested in who she is. She just speaks about common problems—standing there in the face of fear, staying on the cushion when overwhelming feelings or thoughts come up, deepening our humanity. And she, too, does it all with such humility.
Look at Byron Katie. Talk about somebody trying to be as helpful as they can, putting as much love into the world as they can. There she is, standing there doing exactly that.
We're surrounded by gifts, that's the truth of it. We're surrounded by love, that's the truth of it. We're actually made of love, it's the actual reality of who we are; can we notice?
But what about the people who are "negative" to us?
Let's take a simple example: Suppose you say hello to someone at work and they won't say hello back. You smile at them and they won't smile back. For whatever reason, they don't seem to like you. What do you do?
Once we really look at it, we see that these are the very people who need your hello or your smile the most. The ones who can't be kind need your kindness the most; they're the ones who are most hurting inside, the most in pain.
So the general principle of putting kind or helpful energy into the universe as best we can becomes that we stop trying to figure out who "deserves" it, and just begin doing it with wild abandon.
Of course we'll be imperfect at doing this; we're only human in the beginning, middle and end. But what a joy to try, to make the attempt in any way we can, wherever we can, however we can.
At the level where we seem to be a personal somebody living a personal life, we just do the best we can to put positive, helpful energy into the universe.
And at the level where there is only one thing, the infinite mystery, we're literally being kind to ourselves, we're being compassionate to ourselves, we're "paying it forward" to ourself—to our very own Self, angel.
—jim sloman, 5/5/01 for May 5
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