The secret to good relationships:
A number of things contribute, but the essence was given by Jesus 2000 years ago. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
What do we want from others? Most of all, we want their understanding and acceptance. This is not the same as their agreement. We can disagree with someone's point of view and yet still let them know that we understand their position and fully accept them as a person.
How do we do that? Mainly by being a good listener, by really "taking them in."
When I was younger I used to think that being interesting in a conversation meant thinking of the next interesting thing to say while the other person was talking. Thus it was rare that I actually iistened to other people. I was far more concerned with how interesting I was.
It took me a long time to realize that this did not actually make for good conversation, or for that matter, for good relationships either. What to do then?
Instead of putting our energy on what we're next going to say, we put our energy on receiving this person. Not just receiving in terms of words, but really receiving them on all levels. In Stephen Covey's famous phrase—and he helped me greatly in this—we truly "seek to understand."
And then, interestingly enough, we don't have to worry about what to say. When we receive someone well, our response, whatever that may be, comes naturally and spontaneously from deep inside. And yes, we find out what it is by hearing what we say.
—jim sloman, fall 2000 for Sep 18
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