(This is Part 4 of a series. Go back to Part 3.)
It may seem like just the opposite of what we'd like to do, but if instead we ask ourselves...
What can I appreciate about this person?
...it will have a tremendous effect. First of all, just making such a list of ten things that we can appreciate about them will have a great impact on our sense of stress with that person. A weight will seem to lift from our shoulders as we realise that there are things about this person that we can appreciate.
We may experience great difficulty at first in making such a list. If so, let's remember that it's the end result that really matters to us, and we have far more control in the situation than we may realise if we're willing to initiate an upward spiral.
Secondly, if we're having difficulty making such a list we can rephrase our question slightly and ask it of ourselves this way:
What could I appreciate about this person if I wanted to?
Once we have our list, we then just review it a couple of times each day. As we do so—let's say before going to work—our internal sense of this person will begin to shift. We'll begin to notice things that are right about them. This new sense will naturally begin to make itself felt in our conversations to and about them.
We'll begin to fill their bucket, and as we do so we'll find that the whole relationship begins to change. Be aware that there usually is a lag time. Though results can be quite rapid at times, more often it takes time to undo the effects of dipping from someone's bucket, particularly if the mutual bucket-dipping has gone on for a long time.
This concept of filling and dipping from someone's bucket is similar to the metaphor of the emotional bank account,
mentioned by Stephen Covey and others. We can call it adding or subtracting from that person's emotional bank account or we can call it filling or dipping from someone's bucket, but it's the same principle.
In each interaction, we simply begin to ask ourselves which one we're doing. As we begin to become a bucket-filler to others, our whole world will seem to change.
To do this effectively we have to let go of the notion of who's right and who's wrong. To put it another way, we have to be willing to create a new reality for ourselves.
This new reality is not Pollyanna-ish and it's not fake. It's not Pollyanna-ish because it doesn't ignore the negative; rather, it simply places it within a positive context. We do so simply because, in a very practical way, it creates more love and more effectiveness in our relationships.
And this new reality is real because it is not about giving false compliments. Rather, it is about looking to see what we can sincerely appreciate about the other person. In this universe, as always, we find what we're looking for. What we look for—and thus find—radically affects the reality that we find ourselves living in.
The principle being discussed here, which could be called
the appreciation principle, is part of a larger principle—a glimpse, a taste of a radically deep and profound principle which can be stated as follows:
Love is the ultimate solution to all problems.
(This is the end of Part 4. Go to Part 5.)
—jim sloman, 8.25.04 for Apr 3
|
